I was once told my life could be a lifetime movie. We could start from the beginning and run right up to the current year. If they were to start writing the script and all the ins and outs of my life, someone will get their feelings hurt. Then again that someone would finally know what they did to me internally, emotionally and physically. In the end I did get my happily ever after (HEA), it just took longer to get and it was also so worth the wait.But what made me doubt?
The HEA was what I dreamed of as a little girl. I was going to marry a rancher, combine families’ ranches and become a powerhouse couple. Had a dream that I can work from home as a sports therapist and still have the family that I wanted. I had it all and I was on cloud nine. 17 years ago I was sitting at my then fiancé home, which was becoming my home, waiting to celebrate our upcoming nuptials. He was at times the nicest caring man I knew, but then his dark side would come out. Part of me wanted to fix him, wanted to heal his heart and his dark soul. At that time in my life I was young and dumb; you know the type, think we can conquering the world. That night I didn’t have beer on the table, I just went with ice tea. Thinking one night of no beer was not going to hurt him. As he drove in the drive way, I lit the candles, grabbed the dinner from the oven and placed on the table that I had set up on the patio. What a romantic gesture. AS he approached the patio, there was a chill to him, and his eyes were dark and frustrated. So I grabbed him a beer just to cool him off, thinking this would settle his nerves or mine. The first words out of his mouth were “we need to be done”. What is, “we need to be done”? Is it done with dinner or done with the beer? What is it? He just sat there taking long pulls from his beer and said it again to me, “we need to be done”. From this point my brain is shutting down, not focusing on the words, but now the actions. Here sits the man that I am to marry in two short weeks. The man that I was going to build a life with, bear his children and mold two families ranches into one. I was going to conquer the world. He gets up, throws the plates in the sink, proceeds to tell me that I added to much garlic to the steak and I have exactly 30 mins to pack my stuff. Why am I packing my stuff, I am still stuck on “we are done”…
The door is slammed and I am on the patio in a nice black dress ready to knock the socks of the man that I thought I loved. As I approach the door I can hear him talking, thinking he has called someone to check the cows or the hay. Listening in, I hear him tell this person that he loves them and it’s done, again with this damn word “done”. What the hell is done? He turns towards me and is not showing any love that I once that was there, he is cold. Looking toward the bedroom he suggests that I grab my stuff and head to my family. That we are no longer going to be together and he has moved on. WTF!! He moved on? Time-out we were going to get married, when did he have time to “move on”? Was it his all guys trip recently, well that can’t be that was just 2 weeks ago? When did he have time to move on? Puzzled, shocked, and hurt I gathered myself and walked into our bedroom. The bedroom that we made love in, we talked about the future, the room that all things I thought were right in the world are not wrong in the world. The tears start to flow and I don’t know what to do or say, I keep looking at him and ask “why all this now?” He just says he has moved on, I keep pressing and pressing. Finally he yells at me “I’m back with my ex-wife!”
So at this point my head is hurting, my mind is spinning and now my heart is shattered. Did he just say he is back with his ex-wife? Ok, now this wife was only a wife for a few short month right out of high school, say 10 years ago. Now she is back?!
Man I wish I could go back 13 months prior and never say yes to him when he asked me on a date. The “ex” was back and I didn’t even know. How long has she been back? Where is she staying, I mean this town we live in is less than 1200 people. Who knows? What will my dad think? Man I have a warped mind at this point. I am worried what my dad is going to think when he finds out I am not marring this guy. So I rallied up, grabbed a bag of clothes and walk out. Once I got into my car I just loose it and wonder what the hell am I going to do? I make it to my parents place an hour later, head straight to my old room and tell them I am just here because of a meeting with the floweriest tomorrow. I can’t talk to them right now, its 10pm on a weekday and I know they both have to get up early in the morning. My door opens in walks in my younger brother and my best friend. He knows, he has to know the look he is giving me is of grief and fury.
The only words out of my mouth and in a hushed tone are “you know?” He shakes his head and gives me the best hug that I needed and the tears start to come again. We lay there for over an hour and I gather myself up and tell him that he has or is cheating on me. I look at my brother and he knows more than he is letting on. I press him and he starts to tell me what he knows. The guy that I have been planning on marrying has been secretly seeing his “ex-wife” for over three months. His own family knew about it and didn’t say anything to me. The only words that were ever spoken of this woman are that she had a hard life and they were just a mere stepping stone to assist her in getting to college. They always seemed to reassure me that she was not meant to be with their son and I was good for him. Was I really good, why would he need to be back with her?
As the days went on I did finally tell my family that I was not a marrying him and that I am moving back home. My family was sad and wanted answers and I didn’t even have them. Calling his parents was next to let them know and see if they could help me get my things. Showing back up at his home later that week to get the rest of my things I didn’t want to see him. Walking out of the house he drives in and starts to walk towards me. It took all my strength to just run to my car, lock the doors and drive off. He did stop me and tried to tell me his was sorry for hurting me. This man that I was playing house with for over a year shattered me personally, emotionally and spiritually.
No one knew what it was like to be in this man’s life. Everyone just assumed we had the perfect relationship. Most that knew him thought I was helping him with his “issues”. Like I said at the beginning, I thought I could conquer the world… He had so many dark sides. He was a heavy drinker and not pleasant to be around. His food had to be cooked just the way he wanted it or it went to the trash. Let’s just say the list can go on and on. He never physically hurt me it was all emotional and mental hurting. Sometime those are the worst, because this attacks ones character.
My family started to worry about me and they wanted me to go see a therapist. I appeased them and went and talked out my feelings. I revealed to the therapist about how I would sleep on the couch or in the car because I added too much garlic to a meal. One instance I had to walk across the ranch (about 2 miles in the pitch black) home because I didn’t bring him some beer after he finished haying. He didn’t love me; he loved me doing stuff for him. He was and still is a very selfish man and I was young thinking I could fix him. In reality I was in love with the fact I could bridge my family to his, ranching was my life at that time. So when I say I was shattered, I was, he broke me spiritually. He took a piece of me that I needed to go find again.
He did marry the ex-wife, then later divorced her and married someone else. Running into him now and again I just think to myself, what the hell I was thinking.
That piece he took, well over time I did get it back. I found me and I look back at all those things that I should have done and wonder why I stuck it out. But I would have never I learned to fight for me, I grew stronger emotionally and I loved with all my heart.
It was a long road to get to the HAPPILY EVER AFTER for me, but I will save that for my next post.